Death is not the end

   I used to think that life stopped when someone died. Today is the 8th anniversary of my mamaw's death. It is no secret that after her death I experienced a major personality change. The last few weeks of my mamaw's life she was in a nursing home. Every day I would try and visit her. On her last day February 7, 2011 I had errands to do before visiting her. That day I had decided to visit the library. Then mom and I got the dreaded call from the nursing home. Mamaw had passed a half hour earlier. Doing the math I realized that her time of death was the same time I had arrived at the library. "How could I of been so selfish?" "IF only I had been there, she wouldn't of died alone." "How could I let this happen?" For years these were my thoughts. For so many years I blamed myself for her passing alone. The only thing that brought any comfort to me was the thought that she was now safe in the arms of Jesus. Cancer could no longer ravage her body and cause her pain and suffering.
   As the years passed I grew to hate the month of February more and more. I became more of a perfectionist trying never to mess up. No more mistakes in hopes of easing my guilt for not being there for my Mamaw's last hours. Every anniversary I began to go deeper into myself. Then slowly as I became more involved in my new church family I began to learn and see that death is a natural part of life. These people greived but their life didn't stop and mine didn't have to either. They showed me I dont have to live in the past and I'm not trapped there any more. I don't have to feel guilty any longer and that my mamaw would not want me to be trapped in the past. She was always a strong and independent woman and she would want me to be the same. She would want me to live life to it's fullest.
   In the past two years on the anniversary of her home going I have learned to live life. Today instead of despairing I taught school for half a day ( mamaw I finally became a teacher), spent the afternoon in self care, had a few good laughs with friends and found a cool new spot to hang out at.
   Yes I still miss my mamaw and think about her every day. Yes, winter and February are still difficult for me but no longer do I sit numb to all feeling or just cry out in misery wishing that I could of gone too. I am living my life one day at a time never giving up hope.

" I'll love you forever and ever"

-Mona Thatcher-

Reminders From a Movie

     Often times my greatest inspiration comes from movies. I just recently saw "Mary Poppins Returns." In the movie Mary Poppins has returned to once again take care of the Banks children ( and not just the younger generation this time but the older as well). She has come to teach the new generation how to be children and the elder generation how to remember the wonder that life can hold.
     This movie served as a reminder that I need to be true to myself and remember the wonder that life still holds. As an adult I often get caught up in my duties and responsibilities that I forget to look for the wonder in life.
     A few months ago I embarked on a new journey in life. I moved 4.5 hours away from my home town to teach school in the town of Bradford PA. Being the new teacher in town I am naturally very cautious. I don't want to offend anyone by saying or doing the wrong thing. But perhaps in tying so hard to do my job right and make sure I dont mess up I have forgotten who I truly am. I have been so uptight and so afraid of messing up I've forgotten the kid in me. I've forgotten how to let loose in a good way and let people see who I really am. I need to just be me again and allow the playful child in me to come out again. It's time to forget about all the maybe's and the what if's and just live life to the fullest, and who knows what will happen. Perhaps i'll discover something wonderful and new about life just like the Banks children!

It is now the week before school starts. It has been a crazy week between setting up my classroom and doing VS work in between. At Chestnut Street we use mainly Light Units from CLP so this involves learning a new curriculum for me, ripping and sorting out tests for each unit and each grade and organizing them as well as lesson planning for the first few weeks of school.  Thankfully I had help in the form of two amazing ladies ( Kayla, a personal worker ...she also made my uniforms for school) and Cami ( one of the daughters of the host family). I also owe a huge shout out to my co-teacher ( Nina) next door in 3rd & 4th grade for letting me steal her post it notes constantly ( I now have my own set of multi-colored post it notes). It is amazing to think back on all that has gone into preparing this classroom. I still wonder if I am forgetting to do something haha!  None of this would of been possible with out team work. No teacher can function alone. Teachers need each other and assistants  to get everything accomplished. Please continue to pray for me and my fellow teachers this year as we shape the mind of the future. Monday is open house and Wednesday we begin school!

until next time

Desiree

                                       
                                                 The wonderful Miss Nina

                 
                                                       Miss Nina teaches 3rd & 4th grade

 
                                                         
                                 My own post it notes with an adorable post it note holder

 The amazing Kayla who helped me organize my Math text book ( which was loose bound) and some of my Light Units.

                                                     
                                                         My wall outside  my door

Section for praises and Tallys

VS unit life

Its been a half a week since I moved 4.5 hours north from my home in Hagerstown MD to Bradford PA to teach school and live in the VS unit. Life here seems almost a dream. In some ways I really like it and in other ways it is odd. Growing up I never had a large family or brothers and sisters so the family dynamics are all new to me. It's interesting to watch a family of 8 from day to day. In the VS unit there are 13 of us. The host family and 4 volunteers. We all seem to get along pretty well so far. The VS unit house is often a busy place with the church and house and school all in one place there are always people coming in and out. In all there are 13 of us. The host family (8) and us teachers and personal workers {4} Most days I get up go down stairs for breakfast and then head over to the school to work on my room which is buried in text books right now. I usually spend about 4 hours in my room setting it up and working on school things. So far I have it decorated, and half my text books sorted out.. I'm missing some curriculum still but I guess that can get sorted later. Anyways back to VS life. Really its like everything I've always wanted. I always look at families like Full house and wonderd what it would be like to live like that. Now I finally have my chance. I have a job that holds to the same values I do. This will be an interesting year for sure. Tomorrow is my first Sunday at Bradford mennonite church. I miss my church family back home but I am excited to meet my new one.

Till next time

Desiree 

Humbled

God is always one step ahead of me for which I am grateful. Almost six months ago I broke my right femur. Because of this break I acrued many assistive devices  some of which are quite large and take up a good ammount of room in our small duplex. Many weeks ago I had called the Lions club to come pick up these items because I no longer needed them. Well the Lions club never called me back (much to my annoyance). So ive been grumping the past few weeks about how the house is a wreck because of all these things. Then I get the message that my cousin Erin had been in a bad accident and had several broken bones. Then I realised she will need assistive devices...I no longer need them but she does. I am so glad that the man from the Lions club never called me back. So glad God is always one step ahead. Once again I have been humbled.

Handicapped Accessable

America prides itself on accommodating those with handicaps. Our nation has handicapped parking, handicapped doors, we even have laws in place to help prevent discrimination in the work place against those with physical handicaps. However it is not enough. This became very apparent to me this last October when I broke my right femur. After two weeks in the hospital I was released to go home. Going out into the real world was scary...even with my walker. The first few weeks outings were very difficult. Often times I would need to go to doctor's appointments or the grocery store and there were very few handicapped parking spots avaliable. Often times mom ( mom played cheuffer as I could not drive) would have to circle the parking lot two or three times to find a handicapped spot. Often times at stores the closest spots were reseved for employee of the month or president of the store or even expecatnat mothers. Do not misunderstand me . I think that all these positions are important espcially the expectant mother, however I do not think that these spots should take place over handicapped parking.

A Broken Leg

If not for a broken leg I never would not of realized how much I was loved.

If not for a broken leg I wouldn't of gotten to see my little cousin off to the marines.

If not for a broken leg family would not of grown closer.

If not for a broken leg I would not of made new friends and re connected with old ones.

A broken leg is teaching me balance. I cannot be all wrapped up in work and ignore my life, I cannot be all wrapped up in home and my life and ignore work. There must be balance.

A broken leg is teaching me to slow down and not let life pass me by so quickly.

A broken leg has shown that even in disaster something good can come from it.

A broken leg is showing me other aspects of life.

What is Love?

Love is when Jesus died on the cross for me.

Love is when your boss brings you flowers in the hospital and coupons so your mom can eat down stairs in the hospital cafeteria so she can stay with you more.

Love is when your students parents offer emotional support.

Love is when you get dozens of visitors in the hospital.

Love is when co-workers bust you out of your room on a Sunday afternoon and wheel you around the hospital.

Love is a family from church coming to sing to you in the hospital.

Love is surprise visit from  the woman's work committee at church once your home.

Love is when friends from afar check up on you to see how your doing.

Love is when your out in public and your students run up to you and give you a big hug.

Love is your mom putting up with you when your being a total brat ( thanks mom!)

Love is what God has for us . Thank you God for loving me.

Just The Way I Am

In the Alexander Technique there is the idea of self-acceptance and non-judging yourself..or in other words, giving yourself permission to be exactly as you are. Lately I have been laid up with a broken femur ..well more so recovering from surgery for a broken femur.  Every day I try and push myself a little bit more to see what I can do. Perhaps this is not what many would consider being kind of gentle with myself but I feel it is the right thing to do. I do not push myself beyond my limits. I feel accomplished and satisfied knowing what I can do and knowing what to work towards. People tell me to "rest" and "stop trying to do so much". This is not me. I have never been one to slow down much. This used to really bother me but lately I have come to realize (and slowly accept) that this is who I am. Yes, I do enjoy resting at the end of the day just like every other person but I am not one to laze about all day.  Most times I ENJOY being active and being with others, learning about different things. This is who I am.  When the time comes I will rest when I need it. Do I overdo it sometimes and end up frustrated from trying to do too much too soon? You bet! But I learn not to do that again. I'm learning that is who I am AND I'm learning to accept that without judging myself. As they say in the Alexander Technique " I am free to be me." After all that is who God loves!

Sappy teacher post

Today is the start of a new journey for me. I am now the co head of the 1-3rd grade at work. Today a good first day with our new group of after school kids. Its hard to believe that my old pre k babies from 2yrs ago are now my 1st graders! I remember how little they were when I had them back in pre-k , I remember them on their first day of kindergarten and now they are so grown in the first grade. My first graders are now 2nd grade and they look so big compared to my new 1st graders. They have grown up and become so independent. Hardest to believe though is this year's 3rd graders. I have watched them grow up from the first grade, watched them change and become independent. Its hard to think that at the end of this year they too will be joining the 4-6th grade down stairs. Most of all I miss my old 3rd graders. Today when one little girl got off the bus she gave me the biggest hug ever. She said she would miss me. I stood there hugging her back and told her how much I would miss her too. Letting these kids grow up is proving harder than I thought but I know its time. So here is to a new school year and new adventure in the 1-3rd in 2017-2018!

Be Identifiable

"Are you Amish?" , "What's that thing on you'r head?", "It's important to be identifiable to other anabaptist groups".  Over the past seven years these are questions and phrases I have heard dozens of times. Up until a few weeks ago I had just answered the questions or just accepted the fact that I was to "Be Identifiable" with out much question. However over the past few weeks that has changed. I have recently been attending many functions hosted by the BMA (Biblical Mennonite Alliance) and other unaffiliated anabaptist groups. This past week I attended Anabaptist Orchestra Camp. While there I met a girl named Kristen. When I first met Kristen I noticed her head covering. It was different than any other kind I had seen before. It was not a bonnet style and it was not the traditional hanging veil either. It reminded me of a mini turban with a tail. At first I was thrown into shock and suprise...after a few seconds shock and suprise gave way to curiosity, so I asked my burning question. I asked if her church allowed that type of covering. She responded yes that she was permitted to wear any type of covering she choose. Again I was surprised, I had never heard of this. Every conservative church I had attended had either required the hanging veil or the bonnet style covering. My interactions and short conversation with her really made me think. Why was it so important to be identifiable to other anabaptist groups? Does the type of covering really matter that much? I
Many times I fear that we are so focused on the type of covering that we forget what the covering stands for in the first place. I often wonder if regulating the type of covering can often do more harm than good. We see a certain type of covering and from there we assume we know what that person believes and does not believe based on the type of covering they wear, instead of talking and getting to know what they believe. Isin't it enough to just be identified as an Anabaptist Christian? The Bible never tells us what type of covering to wear, how big or how small. If it needs to have strings or not. It simply tells us as ladies to have our heads covered. Many times I have encountered ladies who went to a non-plain church who covered and often times their conviction about covering seems stronger versus those who were raised in a conservative church and raised with the covering. I think as Christians we need to get back to the basics of the covering and remember why we cover and who and what it points to. So the next time I get the Amish question or the "whats that thing on your head?" question instead of giving a breif answer that allows them to put me in a box I will simply reply with "I am an Anabaptist Christian who believes in covering" and see where the conversation takes me. :)

Hidden Blessings

No one likes to be sick. Lets face it, being sick is no fun...you cough you sneeze you feel down right miserable, believe me, I know.. I have just spent the past week in bed being sick. Yet its times like these when we can learn our greatest lessons. This past week I have learned and observed several things. I have learned that even though I am an adult and an extremely independent person at times I still need to be humble and accept help when I need it. I cant always do everything myself (even though I try). Being sick allowed me to humble myself and ask others for help this week when I needed it. In being sick I learned that I have people who love me and that I don't always have to do everything myself and it's okay to let others help sometimes.
Second I got to experience the overwhelming kindness of others. I had posted on my Facebook page about being ill, not only did I have many well wishes for me to get better , I had people private message me to check on my well being over the course of the week. When I attempted to go to work the other day my boss took one look at me and responded with a " you are sick, you don't need to be here working , if your not well go home rest and take care of yourself." Over the past few days I have continued to experience friends and co-workers kind words as I continue to get better.
A third blessing from being sick is kicking my sugar addiciton. I love sugar way to much. Well over the course of being sick I lost my appetite, when I finally gained it back all I wanted was healthy foods. I no longer had the desire for all the sugary foods I had desired before instead I wanted healthy foods such as soups and fresh fruit. It feels so good to be back to eating healthy again!
A few weeks back I slipped on a patch of ice and twisted my pelvis pretty badly. Needless to say I was in a good amount of pain over the next coming days. What my body needed was rest for healing.  Anyone who knows me well knows even when I am in pain I hate to slow down and rest. Over the course of being sick I had plenty of opportunity to stay still and rest and heal my body. Being sick forced me to slow down and take the time I needed to rest and heal.
So what am I getting at with all of this? What am I trying to say? Being sick this past week has shown me all that I can be thankful for and while it was no fun being sick It did make me step back and see how blessed I truly am. Blessed with a boss and co-workers and a family who care to a chance to fully recover from other injuries and a chance to gain back my healthier life style.