I used to think that life stopped when someone died. Today is the 8th anniversary of my mamaw's death. It is no secret that after her death I experienced a major personality change. The last few weeks of my mamaw's life she was in a nursing home. Every day I would try and visit her. On her last day February 7, 2011 I had errands to do before visiting her. That day I had decided to visit the library. Then mom and I got the dreaded call from the nursing home. Mamaw had passed a half hour earlier. Doing the math I realized that her time of death was the same time I had arrived at the library. "How could I of been so selfish?" "IF only I had been there, she wouldn't of died alone." "How could I let this happen?" For years these were my thoughts. For so many years I blamed myself for her passing alone. The only thing that brought any comfort to me was the thought that she was now safe in the arms of Jesus. Cancer could no longer ravage her body and cause her pain and suffering.
As the years passed I grew to hate the month of February more and more. I became more of a perfectionist trying never to mess up. No more mistakes in hopes of easing my guilt for not being there for my Mamaw's last hours. Every anniversary I began to go deeper into myself. Then slowly as I became more involved in my new church family I began to learn and see that death is a natural part of life. These people greived but their life didn't stop and mine didn't have to either. They showed me I dont have to live in the past and I'm not trapped there any more. I don't have to feel guilty any longer and that my mamaw would not want me to be trapped in the past. She was always a strong and independent woman and she would want me to be the same. She would want me to live life to it's fullest.
In the past two years on the anniversary of her home going I have learned to live life. Today instead of despairing I taught school for half a day ( mamaw I finally became a teacher), spent the afternoon in self care, had a few good laughs with friends and found a cool new spot to hang out at.
Yes I still miss my mamaw and think about her every day. Yes, winter and February are still difficult for me but no longer do I sit numb to all feeling or just cry out in misery wishing that I could of gone too. I am living my life one day at a time never giving up hope.
As the years passed I grew to hate the month of February more and more. I became more of a perfectionist trying never to mess up. No more mistakes in hopes of easing my guilt for not being there for my Mamaw's last hours. Every anniversary I began to go deeper into myself. Then slowly as I became more involved in my new church family I began to learn and see that death is a natural part of life. These people greived but their life didn't stop and mine didn't have to either. They showed me I dont have to live in the past and I'm not trapped there any more. I don't have to feel guilty any longer and that my mamaw would not want me to be trapped in the past. She was always a strong and independent woman and she would want me to be the same. She would want me to live life to it's fullest.
In the past two years on the anniversary of her home going I have learned to live life. Today instead of despairing I taught school for half a day ( mamaw I finally became a teacher), spent the afternoon in self care, had a few good laughs with friends and found a cool new spot to hang out at.
Yes I still miss my mamaw and think about her every day. Yes, winter and February are still difficult for me but no longer do I sit numb to all feeling or just cry out in misery wishing that I could of gone too. I am living my life one day at a time never giving up hope.
" I'll love you forever and ever"
-Mona Thatcher-
